My Journey

So that I can increase in Him. 

What am I decreasing in, you ask?

Well, in myself. In the things that I thought I loved so much. In the things that are worldly, and in the things that are unprofitable to me, no matter how much I try to argue that it is just a hobby, or something I do for fun. 

Specifically, I'm referring to the fact that I have made the decision to stop a big part of who I am - my obsession with TV shows. For those of you who don't know, I was an avid follower of The Vampire Diaries and Gossip Girl. These two shows were my primary source of entertainment, and fan-girling, among other things. The first show I ever started watching was Gossip Girl. I started watching since it first aired in 2008, and it's been four years since. I begun making videos, in fact, BECAUSE I started watching GG and I went onto YouTube and found all these fan videos of the characters in the show, and got really fascinated. That was my original reason why I begun learning how to make videos and editing on Sony Vegas Pro 8.0, which is the program used by most of the vidders (video-makers) on YouTube. I then branched out to Twitter, following the celebrities that I admired from the TV shows... and well, that wasn't too obsessive or stalker-ish.. YET. Eventually I followed the shows (GG and TVD) so closely that I would read spoilers on the show every day. Yup, almost every day I would check. And then I opened a Tumblr account - and I reblogged the stuff related to these two shows, but didn't find Tumblr too fascinating, so I alienated that for a while. I also stopped following spoilers at one point, but eventually, this year, I returned to doing all that again - and the worst thing is, recently, as the season finales for these two shows neared, I went completely NUTS. On Tumblr, particularly. I would write these really long analytical essays on the characters, their relationships, etc. And I would hope for people to reblog them, of which they did; I even got 179 notes on one of my posts, and I only in fact had 33 followers. In short I was getting VERY obsessive about these fictional tv shows. I was really going full-on crazy.

You see, the Internet is a wide space. It's an entire world on its own. And yes, though YouTube fan videos may have pushed me to begin vidding in the first place (to which is good because now I can make videos on my own for other more worthy causes), it is toxic. It really is. The world of being an obsessive fan over tv shows and movies is toxic. It's very easy to get sucked in, and it's very easy to want to stay and gain popularity. Basically, it's easy to be lured to want to develop your online persona - that other side of you which most of your real life friends don't see and don't know of. Oh, you may mention it to them from time to time (like I do to some of my own friends who know of what I do online), but they don't see the full thing. They don't read your crazy in-depth essays on fictional tv show characters. They don't know how long you spend making that 2-minute video on those two characters from that tv show. They don't know what conversations you have with other similarly obsessive fans.

I was one of them. I'm trying not to be anymore. It's hard, because this, all this was a huge part of me. I thrived on this a lot, and all this is the reason why I spent so much time on the Internet or on my laptop. To develop my YouTube channel, Twitter account, Tumblr page, etc. It's really nuts. And when the Vampire Diaries season 3 finale aired last Friday, it became my breaking point. The whole day I was going obsessively and positively nuts about what happened in the show, and (it was only a show, for goodness sake) I then realised, for the first time, at night, when my mind couldn't seem to absorb or focus on anything else other than the show; that I was becoming the person I said I wouldn't - so much for all that talk about the fact that a show is just a show and it's just fictional characters and all. Yeah right. And I realised that I had to make a proper decision to stop, otherwise I would never be able to. 

So I did what any insane person who wants to get out of a deep hole would do - take big, desperate measures. And these measures were in the form of deleting. Deleting and erasing. A LOT of things. I deleted all 17GB or more of The Vampire Diaries episodes, I deleted my YouTube account, and my Twitter account, and my Tumblr account, and all the fan videos I made ever since 2009. All the hours I spent, all the sleep I lost over these things, gone. Pressing the yes button was hard. but I did it. And when I finished doing it, and sat down, opened my Bible and journal and begun praying, I felt this really light feeling, I felt like I was floating, nauseous, even. I was a bit in shock because it was the biggest step I had ever taken in DECREASING myself, in sacrificing the things I thought were so important to me.

And then the verse of which God gave me a revelation of before, came crashing back into my lapse, and I remembered again, how much this meant to me:

But what things were gain to me, these I have counted loss for Christ. Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ...

Philippians 3:7-8 has never been more real to me than after last Friday, when I did the thing I never thought I would do - stop watching TVD and obsessing over these tv shows. I don't know how I did it, but I know it was the Holy Spirit through me. I couldn't have done it without Him, and it feels so ridiculous, but after it all sunk in, I just didn't feel anything - I didn't feel sad or upset that I had lost all these things - that in fact it was MY CHOICE to delete and erase. I just felt this surreal sensation, and I was happy it was over. 

Oh, the fight doesn't end there. It's not over per se. But I know I will resist now, and I will prevent myself from wanting to go back. Or rather I will ask the Holy Spirit for strength to stand. So yeah.

This is my recent testimony. All I can say is, I know I did the right thing, and that through this I am closer to getting to where I really want to be, and who I really want to be.

Send me a message if this testimony is relevant to you or if you want to talk. :) God bless you.

I often tell myself that I'm happy where I am. I tell people that, too. And yes, I am. I am happy where I am. But I sometimes forget. I realise that it is beyond easy to get distracted with what other people are doing around me and what other people are achieving. When my friend achieves Z, it's easy for me to immediately think that I want to acheive Z, too. I look at people with successful online portfolios and personalities; they are well known, their blogs have great readership, and they have established themselves on the international media platform that is the Internet.

And I think to myself - does this matter to me?

The thought struck me quicker than it has ever occurred to me before. I have thought often about what I want to achieve, and I just prayed, JUST last night, as I was walking home in the darkness of the street with just the white light shining from the street lamps, and I prayed, "Holy Spirit, please remind me of why I'm here. Remind me of what I said I want to achieve here on this planet."

And today, I'm faced with this, and just like that, the Holy Spirit quickened to me -

Remember what you want to do. Remember what you want to achieve.

I already know what I want to achieve. Yes, admittedly there are many things. Many. But only ONE of them matters to me more than anything else. ONE of it is my greatest priority in life, far more than the rest. If I don't achieve the rest of the things on the list, it doesn't matter. Only one of them matters to me, and it's the one that is the hardest, but also the greatest.

God is real, and He is more real than anything else in my life has ever been. He is great, so great and mighty, that I know nothing else can compare. I would do only what He wants me to do, and that desire in my heart has never changed. 

And if you're reading this, I want you to know that He can be real in your life. He hears every prayer, every word you say to Him, even the shortest ones, the smallest ones, the softest ones. 

I can tell you, with every fibre of my being, that declaring myself His servant is the best decision I have ever made.

Put in the hard yards and "suffer" now to reap good character so that you don't suffer in the future.

..

Fun comes out of serving. Serving is first priority, not the fun. If you serve out of a genuine heart, it will naturally be fun.

This is what I'm writing about, yes. In essence, more of just the recipe, which followed a weekend of me having to remember more than ever that I should learn properly and move forward. There are a lot of things on my list of things to learn, and I am aiming to learn them all properly, and move forward at the same time with a happy and humble heart.

Thus I have also come up with a simple, crazy recipe - or it's more of a mixture of things, if that's what you'd prefer to call it. I believe I'm not the first person who's come up with these kinds of stuff, but I'm just posting it here for my own remembrance as well, so, oh well here goes.

Sweetness in a Glass

1 and a half tablespoons (YES tablespoons, not teaspoons) of Milo powder
1 heaped tablespoon of condensed milk
cornflakes
full cream milk (preferably cold, from the fridge)

1. Fill a glass or plastic cup with cornflakes two-thirds of the way.

2. Put in the Milo powder. Shake the glass so that the Milo powder is distributed throughout the cornflakes.

3. Use the tablespoon to put in the condensed milk.

4. Stir it all around (or attempt to do so, since the milk will be stuck to the spoon and you will be trying to spread the condensed milk all around the cornflakes), and crush some of the cornflakes in the glass along the way. At this stage, it's okay if you don't get to stir the condensed milk around properly.

5. Pour in the full cream milk until the glass is filled three-quarters of the way.

6. Now, stir everything around once more. Don't overstir it though, because you want to ensure that there is still some sticky condensed milk left on the spoon, and you should be able to still see blobs or dots of milo powder which are undissolved (trust me, that's the best part). Also, because the milk is cold, the cornflakes shouldn't soften too fast (it's why I suggest cold milk.. the crunchy part is good).

7. Now eat.. and savour every single bit of the sweetness of condensed milk colliding with the cocoa taste of the Milo bits and the crunch of the cornflakes.. and drink the milk once you're done eating most of it - ahh, this is cereal milk at a whole other level!

Trying this with different types of cereal is going to be even more amazing....

So yes, this is what I came up with tonight while craving for a bucketload of sweetness. Clearly I was satisfied, so if you do NOT have a sweet tooth, I do not recommend this. 

Well, God is good, that much I can say for now (there is lots to say about God but I will say that another time).. through all my mistakes and foolishness, He's here to smoothen the ride and journey, and He makes it the learning process fun. I'll remind myself that the truth is, I have nothing to complain about, because He is here.

So I haven't blogged in ages. Yes, I've noticed, and no I haven't forgotten about this blog. I've come close, several times, to posting something, and halted every time I started typing, because I didn't feel it was substance enough to put up. I realise I've rambled way too much in the past, and sometimes about way insignificant things.

Anyway, that being an unrelated point, I'm just here to journal down a few of my thoughts that I feel is worth remembering to put up here. Right now it is 2:12AM and I should be fast asleep more than two hours ago. I don't have class later, and I don't have work either, but I have a deadline to meet at 4pm. I also have to pick up a book from the library, which means I have to leave the house at some point, likely in the afternoon. I have a placement to think about, 80 hours of which are unfulfilled and unplanned still. I am struggling to form two concrete ideas for the placement which I am already in. The investigative story which I need to really think properly about, and research on, is looming over my head as the deadline for the brief is next Friday. There are online discussion posts which I'm supposed to do by now. There are things on my to-do list for church (mostly admin stuff) that are not yet done. There is a service on Saturday, and I am playing the drums - and I need to practice. That will probably be done in the late morning after I rush to complete my submission before the 4pm deadline as early as possible so that I can push it out of my head temporarily. In between all this, I am dreaming of making Momofuku's cereal milk ice cream, which is of course just wishful thinking.

One thing that has been filling my mind of late, is the need to know what I should be doing next. I begun praying about this almost a month ago now, and I have yet to get an answer from God. I know He will speak to me, and I don't doubt that for one second.

However, every so often during these past two weeks, the thoughts of career and future pop in my head and I just sink and sigh in my seat as I browse through the Internet, looking up random things. I have many dreams, many hopes. But the one thing, the ONE thing that I want the most is this:

I want to do what my Lord Jesus Christ wants me to do.

There is no other way for me, just His way. I will do whatever He tells me. Hard, ridiculous, silly, crazy, radical, tedious, difficult... be it all these things, I will do it. I have vowed again and again in my quiet times with the Lord that I will go wherever He tells me to go, and I will do whatever He tells me to do. His opinion is the only one that matters.

And this is why I am restless of late. I keep seeing my friends and people around me with jobs and careers that are exactly what they love doing. They have fun working, and they get paid for it. Sure, it's not all that simple, and there are lots of bumps along the way there, but for some, and particularly the ones I've been witnessing of late, they just hit the jackpot. And every job gets tiring at some point, but they love what they do.

I asked myself tonight - what do I love to do?

Yes, the three things I love doing the most in relation to what I imagine to be my passions are:

Video-editing, writing fiction, photography.

These three are prominent in what I am known for. But the one thing that I love, more than those three, is walking with the Lord. Serving Him and serving people. 

Yes, I do get tired sometimes in having to do all the things for church. I do feel overwhelmed sometimes with serving. But the jist of it is that I enjoy serving in church. I love spending time worshipping God on the piano, on the keyboard, on the drums. The experience of receiving a personal touch from God in the midst of corporate worship or private worship, is indescribable. I would not exchange these experiences with God for anything. And lately, with having the experience of writing songs that God has given me, and newly understanding what it means to receive "downloads" from God (i.e. something that He impresses very deeply in my Spirit, and of which really blows my mind.. in short, this can also be called 'revelational experience'), I have come to understand God and know Him in a different way, and experience Him in ways I have never had before. And walking with Him, I can actually see the evidence of His hand, the way He puts things together in His master plan. I can STILL see His hand, despite the fact that, ironically, I STILL do NOT know what He wants me to do once I graduate!

My experiences with iHeart in the past two years since its birth has been crazy, but worthwhile. Serving thus far has taught me more than my years of just hanging back, not doing anything much. And I enjoy it. I love being in the presence of God in church, I love mingling with all the church members and having fun with them, whether in the service or at cell group or at jam sessions. It's a small group, but really, iHeart is family to me and I am proud to say that I am planted in this church, and that this is where I belong.

And all this is why, when I think about what I am to do after graduation, I sense the Holy Spirit slowly impressing something upon me. 

I know He will lead me throughout my journey, and maybe He may take me through all the three things that I love doing (write, photograph, film), but the bottom line will always be Him. And who knows, but as long as I keep growing with Him and walking with Him and learning more as I go, rest assured I will be doing what He wants me to do, which is what I want the most in the first place.

So restlessness be gone, I aim to keep my sights on Him; passing by all the things and people around me that try to draw me in a thousand different directions... and just be at peace with everything that is on my mind and everything that I have to do. 

Philippians 4:6-7

We also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint; because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

- Romans 5:3-5

I'm doing my personal bible study tonight, because the usual weekly-bible-study-on-Monday-nights thing is not happening this week. It's a good thing, in a way, as now I have an opportunity to do a brief study on those verses. Last week I was meditating a good deal on 2 Corinthians 12:9-10.. and it was really amazing, needless to say. 

There is a very nice cup of green tea on the table beside my laptop where I am now typing, in the kitchen, and I feel oddly at peace. It's weird, like I'm a little bit numb at the moment, but above all I think I'm actually happy. It feels as though there is a lot going on, and yet somehow it's all a blur around me... and I'm not afraid, I'm not whinging anymore.

Well, it is an up and down rollercoaster. It still is. But I'm learning to see, more and more, that even though it's an up and down rollercoaster, if I look to my Daddy who is sitting right beside me all the time, I honestly don't have to be an emotional wreck. Because all my emotions would be invested not in people or in my situations, but in my Lord Jesus Christ.

Someone asked me a question today, and one part of my answer was, "I'm not ready... far from it I think." and the person responded, "I'm not ready too." That part of the conversation actually got me thinking. It was what I was praying about yesterday, one part of my long prayer, and I was telling God that I know I'm not ready. For a lot of things. And it's because of that, that I want to just look AT God and be sold out for Him, and then along the way He would tell me that I'm ready for this, I'm ready for that. Meaning, I pass tests without knowing. That would mean I've grown, that would mean I'm ready. One big thing I know I'm not ready for, for example, is being in a relationship. There are a lot of reasons why I'm not ready for it, but the main thing is the fact that I'm still going through a lot of transformation work right now (by the Holy Spirit) and I need to ensure that my whole foundation is laid before I proceed any further. I really don't want to get ahead of myself anymore.

It helps, though, to know that there's someone else who recognises that they're not ready too. It's not easy, being patient in letting the work of the Holy Spirit manifest in us. But knowing that there's other people waiting too, and we're all encouraging each other... well, it brings me to the verse in 1 Peter 5:9, which says, "Resist him [the Devil], steadfast in faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world." And it's so awesome to see the Word of God come alive and all the verses that talk about edifying each other and etc - seeing it in action in people around me is so wonderful and such great proof that the Word of God, when taken seriously and applied fully, can do amazing things.

So, God is good. :) And it's gonna be a busy week, but it'll be good.

These hands are yours, teach them to serve as You please, and I'll reach out, desperate to see all the greatness of God; may my soul rest assured in You.

PS. On a separate note - HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my dear aunty Evelyn. Missing you, but I'll see you super soon when you come down to Melbourne. :)

There is a time for everything, ain't it? There are some things I will always miss, some people I will always miss.

I'm doing better. It's not easy but nothing ever really is. I'm learning to take it easier, as time passes I find that it doesn't get as difficult as before. I just want Him to come and help me grow. I don't want to think about anyone or anything else.

Just wanted to post that picture because, well, I still miss camp somewhat. But time to look forward and thank God for what He has done, and keep growing. I need to let go. And keep letting go. 

Deactivating my Facebook account is part of this process. I'm really, VERY intent on breaking this chain that I've identified in my life. Enough is enough, and I'm on this road where I want to be where Christ is. I want to be completely, utterly, sold out for my Lord Jesus Christ. I want to be so free in Him that absolutely nothing deters me, nothing is able to steal my attention away from Him. I want to be so content in Him that I won't want anything or anyone else. 

I've been spending a lot of time reading His word and praying ever since camp ended. I have to keep this up, and I know that by doing so it's fading, and God is taking over. I keep declaring His Word and promises over my life... I'm going to keep fighting. this is NOT the time to give up. There is NEVER going to be a time for giving up. 

So apart from the spiritual side of things, practically I'm deactivating Fb because it helps me to focus on the God stuff. It helps me to focus on Him, to see His goodness. It's a detox, partly. I don't want to be distracted, I don't want to be swayed by anything or anyone else. I want to just look to Jesus and be complete.

Staying strong in the Lord is key. Reading His Word and filling myself with the Bible helps loads. His Words are life, and they are spiritual food for my soul. I want to grow, and I want to know Jesus more. I want to be close to Him. 

The enemy may know my weakness and what I desire, but I am going to use these spiritual weapons of prayer, praise and the Word... and he will be defeated. Jesus has overcome him and he will not get any piece of me.

CHAINS BE BROKEN! LIVES BE HEALED! EYES BE OPENED! CHRIST IS REVEALED.

I really don't know what to say now, actually, I feel like I'm STILL in camp mode. I really have zero mood to think about my assignments (which are, fortunately, not due until much later). I don't feel like talking about anything except God-related stuff. I can't STOP thinking about how amazing God is. I can't stop being overwhelmed by Him and His greatness. I feel like my brain is about to explode. I feel like going into fits of laughter and crying at the same time. I think I'm going crazy.

I have this sense that God is answering my prayer. I'm continously slipping into His presence wherever I go, I don't feel restrained by anything, I'm not let down anyhow. I'm just heading in this one direction - God. I feel like I'm finally doing something right. I can sense the Holy Spirit inside me, so real and tangible that even now as I'm typing this out, I want to burst out in tears. All I can say is, the Lord Jesus Christ can be so real in your life that you don't have to make any effort at all, and the fire inside you becomes so intense that you can sense Him wherever you are, anytime.

The song we sung in camp, "Fire Fall Down", is still replaying on my iPod. It has been replaying on my iPod ever since camp ended. I can't stop listening to it. I don't ever get bored of it. In fact, I'm going to sing it during worship in church this Saturday. Fire fall down, fire fall down, on us we pray...

I came across this post by Jaeson Ma, on his blog. I feel his words are so accurate in conveying the message of doing what GOD has called us to do, instead of doing things that we are not called to do. This is what he says in his post:

To focus on what I'm called to do requires me to say no to what I am not called to do.

And a note of advice that he gives:

Be silent. Take a deep breath. Clear your mind. Know what is important. Deny the urgent. Focus on your purpose. Decide.

Read the rest of the post here.

God is SO TREMENDOUSLY AMAZING. I can't, I don't know what to say anymore... Just, Lord, thank You.

...that I don't know what to say, and how to say what I think my mind wants to say. I feel like I'm in this weird spot where I want to wrestle with God and yet I want to just be so happy nonstop. Maybe a bit of both. Either way, tonight I'm going to spend some quality time with Him.

I really don't know how things happen, how God plans them out, but I do know God is truly beyond amazing. He is indescribable beyond comprehension, particularly in how He maps things out. We don't understand them until we look back and go, "Oh...". He is unexpected and always proves us wrong, in a good way. 

Having just come back from Intensity 2011 (Reach Youth Camp), I am still in camp mode. I miss camp, I miss the atmosphere, I miss everyone I met there, I miss the sessions, I miss everything about it. But, things go on. Life continues. And so we keep the fire burning. Add wood. Fan the flame. Make it go bigger than before.

And keep growing in the Lord.