I used to think that day by day, I'd be living with this self-satisfactory policy whereby I would sleep feeling satisfied with my day. Nowadays, I find that, even though I'm on holiday now and I should (rightfully) be jumping around and skipping with ease and joy, I'm not actually satisfied with my days. I'm not sure, but this week, I've been on a fast from movies and fanfiction, which are my top two activities this holidays. And giving that up for a week seemed difficult at first (I mean, yea, I can watch MasterChef, but that's all...) but now I'm finding it so easy to not resort to the movies in my hard drive and reading fanfiction late into the night. But I'm still having trouble adjusting my sleep clock - I have NO idea why! Even if I sleep early and wake early, for some odd reason the next night I am unable to repeat that.
In any case, though that MAY be part of the reason for me feeling unsatisfied, I find that the reason for that is probably because I think I want more of God. During the months of April/May where I was having many amazing experiences with God, I found that although my days were full and tiring, I was feeling happy at the end of it. And satisfied, more importantly. I've realised that once you grow in the Lord and you get all these wonderful words from Him, your "quota" seems to expand. You seem to WANT more, because what you had before is no longer enough. And I'm thinking that this is SO weird because I've never actually felt this way before, but that's the beauty of it, I guess.. living in the Spirit means that once you're living that way, if you keep growing that way you're never going to want to be comfortable where you are... you're always moving forward with God. And that's the excitement, the wonder, the super-cool part of being led by the Spirit.
That's perhaps why today I actually decided to walk to admire the sunset at the beach and I took some time to think about this fast I'm having this week and what God is actually trying to show me. And I think I understand this. For some reason, not watching movies/reading fanfiction has forced me to push myself to seek God, spend time with Him INSTEAD of doing those things. This fast is actually because of a leadership training camp that I'm attending next week. I really want the camp to transform my perspective and push me out of my little insecure and shy basket that still sometimes remains. I want God to speak louder than I've ever heard Him before. So I think I've gotta spend at least some time praying about this before I go... looks like Sunday's a good day to do this too.
Well I'll be heading to Brisbane next week - I'm looking forward to seeing God move.
Bless ya'll!
